Storms Don't Last Forever.

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Admitting I couldn't cope, again, was one of the hardest things i've had to do. Especially as I've no 'reason' to be depressed I guess. I have a loving family, and a wonderful life with a beautiful cat and handsome a man I cannot wait to make my husband. I know I should be happy, and every day I feel I'm unable to cope makes me feel even more guilty to feel this way. Every time I feel I cannot breathe from panic over something highly insignificant makes me feel useless. My inability to wake up every morning and go about normal daily tasks without feeling sick from dread that something terrible will happen is exhausting. Not being able to go to work makes me feel like a failure. 

Pretending everything was fine for so long was the worst thing I could do. It's weird that something that has consumed how i've felt for so long, was something i've kept inside like some dirty secret.  As soon as the words left my mouth and my doctor nodded sympathetically, I felt a wave of relief. As if just telling someone how I felt had solved a million problems I had. Even though this wasn't the first time i've been ill, and the first time I couldn't have asked for a more sympathetic and understanding doctor, I still expected the second time I was going to be judged, or just told to 'worry less' or 'cheer up', because it feels the rest of the world thinks it's that easy; as if to feel this way is a choice. I really couldn't want anything more than to feel okay again, and if it was that simple I would have done it already. To go to the pub and have a laugh. To not feel sick with worry. To want to go outside and have fun. That's what I want.

Anyway, medication, talking and submerging myself in things I loved will hopefully ease things off. I know there's no quick fix that'll rewind 6 months to make everything feel okay again but it's all I want. It frustrates me so much that mental health is so poorly talked about. Why should there be shame in having difficulty coping? There really needs to be last stigma surrounding depression. It would make seeking help and discussing experiences less daunting and would allow for the education of others. It would make it far easier to ask for help...

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1 comment on "Storms Don't Last Forever."
  1. Sometimes it can be so hard knowing things are going downhill but not really knowing why it is happening and everyone thinks there should be a reason and keeps saying why, what's wrong and you just want to scream I don't know. x


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