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I remember the 24 hours before my grandad died so very vividly. The night before, Craig and I spent the evening belting out singstar whilst I wore my ugly green pj’s. He kept beating me at ‘Friday I’m In Love’ by The Cure. On my way home from uni, I walked via the garage to pick up BBQ doritos and I sat in Beckie’s room nattering. I remember my phone ringing when I was sat there moaning about something or another. I ignored it thinking it wouldn’t be important. I was wrong. Three years ago, the perfect mundane life I had stopped, and the sheltered existence without grief and loss came to an end.

I'm very aware everyone will die eventually, but it doesn't make it feel okay. It's not okay people can just die. Young or old, aware the end is near or quick and sudden. It will never just feel alright. Death highlights how bizarrely fragile our whole existence is.

There are reasons why my grandad’s death hit me far harder than I could’ve ever imagined. It left me numb. There’s no amounts of tablets, counselling or ‘time to heal’, that fixes the void left by a person not being there anymore and the what could have been’s being unanswered. The last three years saw me lose both my grandads, whom I loved so very much, and my uncle so suddenly too, but the last three years were where I’ve achieved the most. Never did my grandad see me graduate from uni, neither got to see me get engaged, and none of them will be sat there beaming back at me on my wedding day. How is the pain of that ever going to be alright?

Losing someone you love and coming to terms with knowing you can never hear their voice, hear their laugh, feel their hugs or see their face is exceptionally painful. No one can tell you how to fix the pain, there is no 'right' way to grieve, there no checklist of what is normal to feel and it can leave you feeling hopeless, especially when you’re someone who needs to feel in control.
1 comment on "Grief."
  1. Losing someone no matter the circumstances is hard and the pain never fully goes away but just know that they are watching over you. They would be so proud of what you have become.


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