They said it’ll get easier with time but I’m starting to doubt them.

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Today marks a year since I lost someone close to me. My grandad. He was always quick witted, full of intelligence and had the patience of a saint, most of the time. His death was unexpected and sudden and I think this adds to the difficulty I have coming to terms with it. He was fit and far more healthy than most and even on the night before his passing  he was out all night with his friends. There was nothing to suggest a final goodbye was near, but alas it was. My final words to him still haunt me, along with the questions I’ll never get to ask, words I will never get to say and the events he’ll never get to see.

Losing him really was the start of the spiral of depression I fell into. The pain of the week’s spent going back home to help arrange the funeral, register his death, explaining  to his friends what happened and attending his funeral will always stay vivid in my mind. I know many deal with loss but coping and dealing with it really hasn’t come easy for me. 

 “Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves ebbing and following. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim”

I found this quote online not so long ago and I really could relate to it. Losing a loved one is unlikely to ever become easy, but often I focus on the good times and how I am grateful he did not suffer.  Yet days like today, birthdays and Christmas often feel like I’m drowning in my grief with no constructive way to let it out. These days really are a struggle, and they make me wish I could change so much, and say so much more. I often failed to act or say things I should to those I love. I always assumed  there would be so many more tomorrows to come in which it could be done. My grandad was the first close relative I had to face losing, and I guess it made me realise that 'tomorrow' is not always guaranteed. 

No matter how many days pass, I will always miss my Grandad; his tales from his days of being a teacher, my childhood ‘sweetie’ Saturdays full of Smarties, trips to our local pub for lunch and days out to London tourist sights.   Sleep tight Grandad Peter, I miss you.
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