Starting a blog with my plans for the year twelve days into
the year already feels like I’ve failed slightly. However, I've had deadlines
and exams the past few days and my whole plan this year is to get back on track
with things, so sticking to essay plans and revising was the most productive
thing I could do with my time.
Although 2013 did have some highs, such as turning twenty-one
and moving into a lovely new house with two of the most wonderful friends I
could ask for, it also came with many lows. Right from the start it proved
difficult. I lost my granddad in January.
Along with coping with losing someone very close to me, I study 300 miles from home and that really
made coming to terms with the loss and the grief a lot harder. This sort of lead to several very difficult
months. Looking back on it now, I spent the next nine months pushing away
everyone I cared about and was close to. I wasn't a very nice person to be
around to say the least, and all the things I once loved no longer made me
happy. Nothing did. I heard someone describe it once as feeling like you’re
drowning while watching everyone around you swimming and unable to notice. That describes how I felt better than any
words I’ve tried. I was worrying about all manner of things, the most simple of
tasks, like how peppers were cut for dinner and it was making the lives of all
those around me difficult and no longer just my own. Going outside and being
social also started to prove a problem. It was actually this that made me
realise I need to change, but I’ll talk about that another time.
The important thing was I realised I needed to change. I’d
spent nine months unable to cope, no matter how much I wished to feel better, I
clearly wasn’t going to get there alone, so I done something which I really did
not want to do, I went to go see my doctor to ask for help. I really did not want to see a doctor as I felt
I was going to be judged and I was terrified of admitting I wasn’t coping but I
can honestly say looking back now, I couldn’t have been more wrong. Seeking help
was the best thing I did. The doctor and nurses at the surgery were lovely, in
fact everyone I’ve encountered (for the most part) have been lovely. I ‘m not best
pleased with the fact I’m having to take medication, but I was given a choice,
and I did choose to.
I feel I’m actually able to take control of
things now and hopefully after counselling, possibly CBT, addressing parts of
my life I’m unhappy with, and also venting the jumble in my mind through this,
my life will hopefully be far better this year. I truly am glad I went to my doctors, and
would strongly advise anyone feeling low to do it, don’t put it off as talking
to just one person about it can help change the rest of your life. That said, I do not want to be on medication
any longer than necessary, so hopefully this time next year I’ll be well,
coping, and happy, just like I am today, but without the tablets.
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