Taking Control.

Starting a blog with my plans for the year twelve days into the year already feels like I’ve failed slightly. However, I've had deadlines and exams the past few days and my whole plan this year is to get back on track with things, so sticking to essay plans and revising was the most productive thing I could do with my time.

Although 2013 did have some highs, such as turning twenty-one and moving into a lovely new house with two of the most wonderful friends I could ask for, it also came with many lows. Right from the start it proved difficult. I  lost my granddad in January. Along with coping with losing someone very close to me,  I study 300 miles from home and that really made coming to terms with the loss and the grief a lot harder.  This sort of lead to several very difficult months. Looking back on it now, I spent the next nine months pushing away everyone I cared about and was close to. I wasn't a very nice person to be around to say the least, and all the things I once loved no longer made me happy. Nothing did. I heard someone describe it once as feeling like you’re drowning while watching everyone around you swimming and unable to notice.  That describes how I felt better than any words I’ve tried. I was worrying about all manner of things, the most simple of tasks, like how peppers were cut for dinner and it was making the lives of all those around me difficult and no longer just my own. Going outside and being social also started to prove a problem. It was actually this that made me realise I need to change, but I’ll talk about that another time. 

The important thing was I realised I needed to change. I’d spent nine months unable to cope, no matter how much I wished to feel better, I clearly wasn’t going to get there alone, so I done something which I really did not want to do, I went to go see my doctor to ask for help.  I really did not want to see a doctor as I felt I was going to be judged and I was terrified of admitting I wasn’t coping but I can honestly say looking back now, I couldn’t have been more wrong. Seeking help was the best thing I did. The doctor and nurses at the surgery were lovely, in fact everyone I’ve encountered (for the most part) have been lovely. I ‘m not best pleased with the fact I’m having to take medication, but I was given a choice, and I did choose to.

 I feel I’m actually able to take control of things now and hopefully after counselling, possibly CBT, addressing parts of my life I’m unhappy with, and also venting the jumble in my mind through this, my life will hopefully be far better this year.  I truly am glad I went to my doctors, and would strongly advise anyone feeling low to do it, don’t put it off as talking to just one person about it can help change the rest of your life.  That said, I do not want to be on medication any longer than necessary, so hopefully this time next year I’ll be well, coping, and happy, just like I am today, but without the tablets.